Sad Post

I better write this quick - while I'm feeling transparent.

School has started in Austin, and my Facebook and Mom groups are filled with pictures of the first day of Kindergarten, 1st grade, and so on ... The reviews from each parent's child varies from excited to scared over leaving their parents for the first time.

This is a grand assumption on my part. I am not trying to chime in on the Mommy War, and my opinion is admittedly very biased.

I should be happy that Olivia is getting so many life experiences, and that she is building the self confidence to explore the world on her own. Selfishly, though, I am not. I want her to want me all the time, and I want to be there all the time.

I'm very happy as a single Mom. Olivia's father is happy as a single man. We both are who we are, and therefore everyone is happier when we're not married. That doesn't stop a part of me from feeling angry from time to time. I'm angry that marriage didn't play out how I wanted it to. I wanted be home to raise my child(ren) no matter the sacrifice. I wanted to be there for every moment of her young life. I wanted school and separation to be a distant thought, not a part of our daily routine from the beginning.

After spending ten days with my baby girl, my heart is aching for her today. I miss our leisurely breakfasts, day time adventures, cuddles before nap time, and every cute moment she thinks up during the day. I hate hearing second hand about how she put her baby dolls away after nap before she even left the room. I want to praise her macaroni art work, and teach her 1-2-3.

I want to be a stay at home mom. On my worst days, I have to admit I still blame Chris for being selfish. I blame him for not making the sacrifices that would allow for a more conventional life, the one I thought we were building. In the end, though, that's not reality. Most days, I feel nothing but how grateful I am to have her. I never question why I married Chris so young, or why I stayed as long as I did. The bigger picture is that Liv is the why. She was meant for me and she makes my future nothing but bright.